happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We were destined to go to rehab together
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
