turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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