i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
