i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
