I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
