Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
