her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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