Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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