his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
