If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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