i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
