drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
