apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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