The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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