So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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