HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
