So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize