You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
