If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
