Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
