DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So vagazzling was a success
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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