I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
