she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
