I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize