I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
