she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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