I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
