he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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