My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think my fart just growled at me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
