Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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