I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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