her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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