I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
