I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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