Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
