WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
