babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I had to cum in my sink.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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