It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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