We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
