i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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