there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
