We won't sleep together?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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