Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I party with great urgency now.
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