You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
