And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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