I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize