Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
