weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
