I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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