after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize