yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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