she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Pooping to opera.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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