Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
