you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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