just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
