I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
