i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
