My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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