I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
