My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize